doughnuts in the sky

so the other day i was taking a walk in my neighborhood and testing out my new ipod shuffle -- thanx to my techie pals: the ever-so-patient-and-kind ryan & mr. apple himself, dahveed! while walking toward davey elementary school i see the Good Year Blimp fly/float past me... then, when it was over the school it started doing doughnuts in the sky! seriously... the Good Year Blimp was doing doughnuts!!! i thought to myself, "nicole would love this." (if you didn't know, nicole used to do doughnuts in the parking lot of kent free library in my car... when i was in it! and would she ever crack up!!!)

the thing that was killing me most though was that all of these little elementary school kids were heading back into the building from recess and not a one of them noticed! i couldn't believe it!

the whole thing cracked me up... the blimp gettin' crazy and me going crazy because the kids missed the best show that the playground has seen in years! it has been a couple of days now and i'm still giggling...

what you love...

for some reason this Lent has left me feeling more alive... more curious... more aware... and more reflective, somber. there is something growing inside of me this Lent... a curiousity for intimacy... a longing to know and be known...

gratitude grows within me for this "letting go" and "taking on" practices of Lent which has been the key factor in the awareness. my eyes and heart seem wider, more open than usual... i feel like i'm seeking in fresh ways. words and ideas have been coming up of pages and computer screens and out of people's mouths in a 3dimensional-sort-of-way. there is something to this practice of surrender that lends one a deeper experience of the Incarnation of Christ. i don't know what all yet, but i feel it growing something new inside of me.

"For when there is a question as to whether a [person] is good, one does not ask what [they] believe, or what [they] hope, but what [they] love." Augustine

this idea of what i love being the defining feature of my life has had my mind moving and churning over the last 10 days. (that's how long it took to finally write this sucker.) what is my goodness defined by? hopefully not what i do, but WHOSE I AM... WHO I BELONG TO: Christ, the lover of my soul. but is that what people see? experience? or do they just see me?

"Lord, Jesus Christ, lover of my soul... send to me your Spirit to sculpt my life and my love into a beautiful reflection of YOU. come and have your way with me. make me less, so that YOU might be the MORE in my life... the ONLY of my life."

i have so much growing up and maturing and wondering left to do in this little life of mine. i'm grateful that YHWH is so patient... and for his invitation for me to wait patiently on him: "Wait patiently on me, Shelby,... be brave & courageous, and again wait patiently on me, the LORD of all the universe." (Psalm 27:14, my paraphrase) Like Advent, there is much waiting in this season of Lent.

not knowing whether to cry or laugh...

I want a lifetime of holy moments.
Every day I want to be in dangerous proximity to Jesus.
I long for a life that explodes with meaning
and is filled with adventure, wonder, risk, and danger.
I long for a faith that is gloriously treacherous.
I want to be with Jesus, not knowing whether to cry or laugh.
~ Mike Yaconelli - founder of Youth Specialties, author, Jubilee speaker

i was surfing around some of the blogs that some LN students have and found this AMAZING quote on jamie's... when i read it the format of the blog didn't show mike's name and i thought she had written it... then i immediately thought, "why is this woman asking me to hang out for discipleship?!? she needs to disciple me!" and i think she will. students really do change the way that i know Christ. they haven't lost their ability to access hope... they're full of raw passion... and live lives that are ignited. one time my old friend mark said, "campus ministry really keeps your feet close to the fire of faith," and when i sojourn with folks like jamie, franci, jennifer, or jackie (just to name a few)... i have to admit that those were very wise words that mark lent. my desire to be lost completely in Christ overwhelms me somedays... and i'm blessed that sometimes it's the stories that students share with me about their faith journeys that open that door in my life.

I want a lifetime of holy moments.
Every day I want to be in dangerous proximity to Jesus.
I long for a life that explodes with meaning
and is filled with adventure, wonder, risk, and danger.
I long for a faith that is gloriously treacherous.
I want to be with Jesus, not knowing whether to cry or laugh.

i can't read it too much. yac's quote really makes me ache... hunger... long. when i first saw this quote it felt strangely familiar and incredibly wonderful. familiar because yac was a jubilee speaker in the mid-90's and really blew us away, which led me to read some of his stuff, hence the familiarity.? when i saw it i just sat there in front of the computer....... simply staring at those strange and wonderful words and sentences, praying to the Spirit that they would get INTO me. for they touch what i think this Lenten season is supposed to be about for me this year... a radical dependence on Christ... to know him more intimately than a lover... to be overwhelmed by his presence, his forgiveness and changed by his love... to be fully surrendered... embodying what Luke writes about in Acts 17:28 NLT, "For in him we live and move and exist." this is the Truth about my reality.

as my wonder increases so does my curiosity. what will come over these next few weeks as we approach the Paschal mystery (Easter)? am i willing to live abandoned to Christ alone? leaning into him, lending him to all that i encounter and lavishing in his enduring love in such a way other's lives are saturated with this wonderful, grace-filled love? that's my hope.

getting what you asked for...

yesterday was Ash Wednesday. which came as a bit of a surprise to me as i thought it was the 8th. i wondered why harry (my pastor) was so stressed out last week about Lent when we were setting up a lunch date. details, details.

so anyway... it came a little faster than i was prepared for... but it was probably better that way. it gave me less time to try to "control" how i was going to respond to what this Lenten season offers ~ the freedom that comes from the gift of repentance ~ and respond to the leading of Ruach (the Spirit) in my decision. had i been more aware or had more time to "think about it" i probably would have made my decision based on what i felt "safe" with... or atleast i would have tried to talk my self into something "reasonable", like giving up coffee. but YHWH is rarely reasonable... at least in my life!

last night i felt invited to take the risk to jump... jump into the wide, tender, loving arms of my Savior... to discover him as my true comfort... my greatest love... my fulfillment. so i gave up seeking comfort in ANYTHING other than Christ for Lent (food, stuff, others)... and in theory is sounded good. shoot, it even sounded pretty spiritual. but what came a few short hours later i would have never expected. but that's the way that They move in my life -- Parent, Savior, Spirit... they always catch me by surprise... when i least feel "ready". it's probably the best way to have Their way with me.

so there in the quiet of my bathroom, after a long, hard & vulnerable conversation with a friend, i curled up to weep... one of those deep, quiet kinds of weeping... not a lot of noise, just a the ache of a quiet sobbing that causes you to groan in a Romans-8-sorta-way. and this time, maybe for the first time, i whispered with the strength of Aslan's roar, "Christ come... draw near to me, " and there in that little prayer began to experience the balm of Gilead come and lend healing and hope to me in a region of my soul that i think has been untouched for a very long time. maybe it was a first.

i'm not terribly surprised that this is what was asked for this Lent. i've sensed the nudgings of Ruach around my choices as of late... like i was hearing this distant question being asked. and it felt like it was being driven home when Tony Campolo kept coming back to this idea of SURRENDER over and over again at Jubilee. but like dr. sue's insights to me over the last 12 years, i dig my heels in deep and like to convince the world (and myself!) that i've got it all under control... that it's all okay... no worry, shelby's got it together. what a lie i've let myself be fooled with. the reality is i don't whenever i choose to live with more of a handle on the reigns of my life than belongs to me.

so i'm grateful. i was grateful last night when i felt the presence of the LORD moving my groaning into trust and intimacy... i came out of that cry like no other. i got a foretaste of what i asked for. so i ask it again and will each day... "come and invade me... possess me... be MORE THAN ENOUGH for me, O Triune God! meet me face-to-face Jesus, my dear sweet Savior. i am YOUR love... YOUR delight. draw near to me..."

i hope the same for you, friends...