less... is it really MORE?

one of my favorite cook books is the MCC's (mennonite central committee - www.mcc.org) "Less is More." now, i adore and appreciate this cookbook because in the core of me this idea is right on. i'm completely on board with this way of thinking about consumption and food. it aligns well with my taste buds, my values and my economic commitments.

but when it comes to the interior desires of my life, the title of this cookbook frustrates me.

i feel so greedy sometimes. I WANT MORE. since 2004 i've felt less and less satisfied. "i want more," as Belle said in Beauty & the Beast, "than this provencial life!" and i feel sorta bad about it. but should i?

the reality is that LESS isn't really working for me anymore. for 8 years or so i really did enjoy being single and the freedom that it offered... free to serve Christ in a myriad of ways, free to travel, free to frolick with friends at leisure. yet over the last 4 years i've had a growing, nagging, frustration at being unintentionally single. being JUST ONE isn't really working for me anymore. and with each passing year i feel a bit more... well... disappointed.

doing "life on your own" is tiring (not that i think marriage is the "world of easy")... but i continue to sit with YHWH's words, "it is not good for man to be alone." i CONNECT DEEPLY with those words, with that idea... i often think, "it's not good for Shelby to be alone." i know from very deep within me that i've been made for relationship. it's the way that i'm wired. and at this point in my life i'm unbelievably aware of my need for a covenant partner... a husband with whom i can serve and be served... one that i can bring glory, healing and joy with... and not just for ourselves, but for this world that is in such desperate need for ZOE!

ZOE. that's what i have in Christ. that's what i desire to know more fully with a fella who will make me his second love, loving me out of his love for Christ! that's the MORE that my heart, my soul longs wildly for!

my reality is that in this sphere of my life ~ unintentional singleness ~ "LESS is NOT providing the MORE" in my life... atleast not in this area. maybe i should leave this concept for the kitchen and my culinary adventures.

so, what does a girl do?

i live in a sea of college students and campus ministry... which is beautiful and something that i cherish... but have my choices to serve Christ somehow reduced my ability to access the kind of relationship that i so deeply long for? or as Conally Gilliam talks about in her book "Revelations of a Single Woman", are my unique giftings (leadership abilities, strong sense of being Christ's, the ability to think deeply, good communicator/public speaker), though appreciated in the context of ministy, intimidating to men? and if so, what the hell?! am i supposed to make myself some little wimpy, wilting flower that needs to be saved by some strong man... is that how a Christian woman is supposed to find her way into relationship?

unintentional singleness. what is the way out and not lose your self respect?