i'm unsure really
what to write... where to start... what to do... how to be...but yet i find myself TRUSTING.this new leg of my journey started with an abrupt, harsh turn on the path. it has felt like the
bushwacking (to make one's way through thick woods by cutting away trees, bushes and branches) my CCO New Staff class experienced on the 10 day First Year Wildnerness Trip that we took in May of 1995.
that last full day of hiking was so damn hard... so many tears... so much frustration... so much hurt... yet at the end of it we ended up celebrating like a bunch of Hobbits, for Christ had carried us through and we had reasons to eat, sing & be merry!
it was the "New Trail" that our LOD (the Leader of the Day) selected.
about 10 minutes into it i knew i was gonna want to kill him. yes, this "New Trail" meant that we would not have to go "all the way down one mountain and up another", but what he didn't know was we'd have plenty of rugged ups and downs on the path that was ahead of us...
much more work than if we would have taken the "Old Trail".the "New Trail" consisted of fallen down pines & other massively huge trees. it was obvious to most of us that a tornado had blown through here -- and that we really should have turned around and taken the "Old Trail". there were enormous tree trunks that we had to either crawl/climb over or scootch under on our bellies ~ pulling our 60+ pound pack behind us. packs on, packs off... over & over & over again.
ugh. then there was the mountain we scaled down... it was at a 25-30 degree angle (seriously, not exagerating here!)... oh, and the mud -- it was everywhere.
we searched and strained to find the Blue Blades... often fearing we had missed one and were going in the complete wrong direction. (we had to crawl under other trees sometimes just to see if a blue blade was on the part of the tree that had fallen over... what a mess!) finding each one was reason to cheer in the face of our fainting hope.
i'm unsure if i've ever done such hard physical labor as we did that day. the thing that made it so amazing was that we did it TOGETHER, with God's help. none of us were left alone in the difficulty and pain... and Christ truly TRANSFORMED us through that difficult situation.
yes, we did have some SERIOUS and INTENSE conversations!
oh, those 4 poor women who struggled at the end of the pack, sick from the wear & tear of the 10 day trip and its adverse affects on their bodies!
and those YAMs (the Young Athletic Males) who were hauling ass to who-knows-where without considering the pace of the sick & weary. as is common, i found myself IN BETWEEN these 2 forces... me & my pal CindyBlount calling out for the crazy YAMs to slow down, be considerate & wait... and calling back words of encouragement to the women who were suffering and struggling on the trail.
by the end of that terribly long day (we hiked for about 10 hours and didn't set up camp until after dark), we found ourselves in our camp... once again really TOGETHER. (oh, our camp site... i don't think we ever told our CCO leaders that we slept right "on the trail" and set up our camp next to a water source... yikes! a BIG wilderness no-no ;}) we shook off the frustrations and hurts of the day and moved forward... Pete seranading us all on his harmonica, people cracking jokes over the absurdity of the day, everyone cooking up a wilderness-sort-of banquet feast in the middle of the Allegheny Mountains: pizzas, pastas, brownies & more. we entered into the Feast... celebrating the way that Kingdom people know best.
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so, i find myself once again on a "New Trail"... rather than having a 60 pound pack strapped to my back and being among my CCO cohorts, i am wearing the nearly unbearable weight of hurt & ungrace. today i journey among a people of "scandalous grace" here in Kent. i am definitely bushwacking... i do not know what to do with what i am seeing and hearing and experiencing-- the bad & the good. i keep searching for the "blue blades" that i thought would be there from a place... a people... that i've trusted and believed in for so long... but i just can't find them.
but the THREE THINGS THAT I DO KNOW with confidence is that:
1. i TRUST Jesus completely... with all of me... with all of this!
2. Jesus Christ is alive & well in my life & in the community of Grace here in loverly Kent (those literally IN kent & folks who were once here with us and have stayed connected). i know that HERE, among THIS PEOPLE, i am experiencing the weight of UNgrace being lifted freeing me of the hurt and betrayal of those i had trusted and loved.
3. there is a CELEBRATION that is being prepared, for Christ has already begun to show HIS ABUNDANT provision in my life... and i feel confident more is on its way.
i would not have chosen to bushwack through life again, but i am grateful that Christ is the One who is leading me this time... and that fact i am doing so with an amazing group of brothers & sisters in Christ.
for this & more i can say with confidence: SOLI DEO GLORIA -- to God be the Glory!
especially here at the end the waiting is extremely difficult... physically & emotionally. (january 9th or sooner!) i wonder what it was like for Mary... she hadn't planned on becoming a young mom... she didn't make love with her fella with the hope of having a child... the public shame... the physical difficulty... the "unpreparedness" of this enormity in her life... i'm unsure if she could have really understood what the Lord was doing in and through her. the magnitude of birthing the Son of God. how could she have understood that?!?
