i've known PAIN,
in some fashion,
since i was 5 years old

... pain of a broken heart... pain due to abuse... pain from rejection... pain of depression... pain of migraines... pain from car wrecks... pain from arthritis... pain from more rejection... pain from Fibromyagia... pain of my sin... pain of waiting... pain of distance... pain of loneliness... pain of obedience... pain of not being able to help... pain of fear... pain of love & grace withheld

i am tired of pain... in every form.

ROMANS 8 has been so near...

"When we cry, ‘Abba! Father!’ it is that very Spirit bearing witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs, heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ—if, in fact, we suffer with him so that we may also be glorified with him.

I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory about to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the children of God; for the creation was subjected to futility, not of its own will but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to decay and will obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. We know that the whole creation has been groaning in labour pains until now; and not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly while we wait for adoption, the redemption of our bodies. For in hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what is seen? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but that very Spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words. And God, who searches the heart, knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn within a large family. And those whom he predestined he also called; and those whom he called he also justified; and those whom he justified he also glorified.

What then are we to say about these things? If God is for us, who is against us? He who did not withhold his own Son, but gave him up for all of us, will he not with him also give us everything else? Who will bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? It is Christ Jesus, who died, yes, who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who indeed intercedes for us. Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will hardship, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

As it is written,‘For your sake we are being killed all day long; we are accounted as sheep to be slaughtered.’

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

... we enter into our inheritance
by sharing in the sufferings of Christ

... even the creation growns
as in the pains of childbirth

these days i find myself struggling to meet Paul in his sentiment "the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory about to be revealed to us."

my mind wants to believe it, but my heart... well,...
it wrestles.
it feels so unsure... so scared
if there will really be
a MORE that makes
this difficult season
worthwhile.

Holy Spirit... Ruach... Comforter... Counselor... Paul says that YOU are our HELP in our weakness. meet me. hold me. make a new way for me in your grace... for i am weak and in desperate need of you!

and then there's that LOVE again...
that LOVE that is
BEYOND SIZE,
BEYOND ENEMY,
BEYOND OBSTACLES,
... yet never beyond my reach.

i need Christ's wisdom & understanding, grace & love, healing & hope. please pray with me this week, friends...

the labor of trust

brennan manning said that
TRUSTING GOD is something that
you have to choose to RENEW DAILY.
i believe him.

tuesday night, wednesday and most of thursday lent me a good gift... for freedom came in the wake of choosing ~for the first time~ to completely trust in Christ's compassion & love... even a little HOPE began to shine through. it was amazing.

then thursday evening came
bearing down on me with difficult news.
i was overwhelmed all over again
... did i learn anything?!?
... was tuesday's decision truly authentic?
... why was i so crushed?!?

i believe i did learn something
... infact, i believe i was truly changed!
tuesday evening!
it was an authentic decision.
i believe that in my bones.
then thursday evening came and left me feeling crushed.

what i learned was that
trusting Christ didn't allow me
to escape pain & difficulty
... rather,
trusting Christ
invites me into enter INTO
the difficulty, pain, despair with the knowledge

... that HE is NOT going to break me,
"the bruised reed"

... it gives me freedom to feel what i feel
and know that he will not drown me, "a smoldering wick"

trusting Christ
INVITES me
to lean against his bosom,
like the beloved disciple John did,
& be vulnerable with him.

(hmmm... vulnerable.
another one of those tough words for me)

trusting Christ INVITES me
to choose him to be
my strength,
my help,
my support,
my hope
when i feel weak & vulnerable...
...and to BELIEVE that HE will PROVIDE all of those things
...that HE WILL BE ALL OF THOSE THINGS!

...so
with puffy eyes & damp cheeks
i am here
with the great I AM
... trusting that HE is MORE than enough for me
not just tuesday,
nor just today,
but everyday...
forever.

liberation. change. gratitude.

last night i encountered
the wildness,
the indescribable love
and the compassion
of Jesus Christ
in a way that i have NEVER encountered before
in my 38 years of living.

there is only one other talk that has so changed my life... and that was Tom Skinner's Jubilee talks in 1991... they too caused me to become undone... and left me liberated for that is when i surrendered my life to Christ as Savior AND Lord.

Brennan Manning
overwhelmed me last night
as he spoke on COMPASSION OF JESUS CHRIST
(the greek definition of compassion has a deep nuance... "a feeling that comes from the bowels")
... so wild, so strong, so amazing.
at times i felt like he was inside my head, inside my heart
... i wanted to scream
... i wanted to run away
... but something kept me there,
riveted to my seat with tears streaming down my face.

story upon story
from his own life
... his own mess
... and the messy life stories of others,
Brennan laid out the most compelling invitation
that i have EVER heard
to surrender one's WHOLE self
... to COMPLETELY TRUST CHRIST.

trust.
there it is.
that small word that serves as my biggest struggle.

"you don't trust God, Shelby."
that is the haunting sentence
that cracked through my skull
and exposed my heart 10 years ago
during a discipleship session with Dr. Sue.

10 years.

but finally something broke through last night
and i surrendered myself to Christ
... choosing to COMPLETE TRUST
... regardless of what happens
... good or bad,
... beautiful or difficult,
... safe or unsafe.

in my journal i keep referring to this as the "difficult season".
but just like Dr. Sue once said, "suffering is a gift.".
the suffering and struggle and shame and sorrow
that i have been experiencing these last few weeks...
well, they made my heart ready to receive this invitation.

just 2 nights before i had wrote in my journal,
"i'm afraid to trust you, YHWH
... i'm afraid if i do then something bad will happen to me
... i'm afraid of what you let happen to a righteous person like Job
... i fear what you will allow in the life of THIS sinner".

loneliness, fear, anxiety, & shame
... these have been my closest companions these last couple of weeks.
last night i said "good bye" to them.

i've decided to take hold of the hand
... shoot, to crawl up in the arms ...
of the One whose COMPASSION
is wild, intense, and more than enough for me.

the One whose COMPASSION
will fill me with his LOVE & GRACE
...regardless of my sin
... regardless of my past
... regardless of what i've done
... regardless of what has been done to me
... regardless of what i struggle with
... regardless.

Brennan declared that
the core of the Christian faith...
the essence of the Good News is...

"Jesus Christ LOVES US AS WE ARE
and WANTS to give us
HIS LOVE & ACCEPTANCE."

the LOVE of JESUS CHRIST
DOES NOT DEPEND
on my performance,
my sin,
my willingness nor unwillingness to change.

Christ looks at
YOU & ME
with the most
INDESCRIBABLE COMPASSION,
and as he speaks in Matthew 12:18-21
(quoting the prophecy in Isaiah 42:1-3)
Jesus promises to not break us... "the bruised reed"
nor will he snuff out (or quench) us... "a smoldering wick".

rather Christ says,
"i expected more failure from you than you expected from yourself
...at this moment FIX YOUR EYES ON ME
...receive my LOVE & COMPASSION."

so, here i sit
FIXED on Christ
LOVED by Christ
TRUSTING Christ
GRATEFUL beyond words
CHANGED... forever.

soli deo gloria!

it speaks to me

When Death Comes
by Mary Oliver

When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn
when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse

to buy me, and snaps his purse shut;
when death comes
like the measle pox;

when death comes
like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,

I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering;
what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?

And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea,
and I consider eternity as another possibility,

and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular,

and each name a comfortable music in the mouth
tending as all music does, toward silence,

and each body a lion of courage, and something
precious to the earth.

When it's over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was a bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it's over, I don't want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened
or full of argument.

I don't want to end up simply having visited this world.

this is a poem that my friend sent to me today. her nephew read it at his mother's funeral. it amazes me how my friend is so in tune with the Spirit... and how even in her own grieving she continues to be generous... this poem met my soul today... it speaks to me.