liberation. change. gratitude.

last night i encountered
the wildness,
the indescribable love
and the compassion
of Jesus Christ
in a way that i have NEVER encountered before
in my 38 years of living.

there is only one other talk that has so changed my life... and that was Tom Skinner's Jubilee talks in 1991... they too caused me to become undone... and left me liberated for that is when i surrendered my life to Christ as Savior AND Lord.

Brennan Manning
overwhelmed me last night
as he spoke on COMPASSION OF JESUS CHRIST
(the greek definition of compassion has a deep nuance... "a feeling that comes from the bowels")
... so wild, so strong, so amazing.
at times i felt like he was inside my head, inside my heart
... i wanted to scream
... i wanted to run away
... but something kept me there,
riveted to my seat with tears streaming down my face.

story upon story
from his own life
... his own mess
... and the messy life stories of others,
Brennan laid out the most compelling invitation
that i have EVER heard
to surrender one's WHOLE self
... to COMPLETELY TRUST CHRIST.

trust.
there it is.
that small word that serves as my biggest struggle.

"you don't trust God, Shelby."
that is the haunting sentence
that cracked through my skull
and exposed my heart 10 years ago
during a discipleship session with Dr. Sue.

10 years.

but finally something broke through last night
and i surrendered myself to Christ
... choosing to COMPLETE TRUST
... regardless of what happens
... good or bad,
... beautiful or difficult,
... safe or unsafe.

in my journal i keep referring to this as the "difficult season".
but just like Dr. Sue once said, "suffering is a gift.".
the suffering and struggle and shame and sorrow
that i have been experiencing these last few weeks...
well, they made my heart ready to receive this invitation.

just 2 nights before i had wrote in my journal,
"i'm afraid to trust you, YHWH
... i'm afraid if i do then something bad will happen to me
... i'm afraid of what you let happen to a righteous person like Job
... i fear what you will allow in the life of THIS sinner".

loneliness, fear, anxiety, & shame
... these have been my closest companions these last couple of weeks.
last night i said "good bye" to them.

i've decided to take hold of the hand
... shoot, to crawl up in the arms ...
of the One whose COMPASSION
is wild, intense, and more than enough for me.

the One whose COMPASSION
will fill me with his LOVE & GRACE
...regardless of my sin
... regardless of my past
... regardless of what i've done
... regardless of what has been done to me
... regardless of what i struggle with
... regardless.

Brennan declared that
the core of the Christian faith...
the essence of the Good News is...

"Jesus Christ LOVES US AS WE ARE
and WANTS to give us
HIS LOVE & ACCEPTANCE."

the LOVE of JESUS CHRIST
DOES NOT DEPEND
on my performance,
my sin,
my willingness nor unwillingness to change.

Christ looks at
YOU & ME
with the most
INDESCRIBABLE COMPASSION,
and as he speaks in Matthew 12:18-21
(quoting the prophecy in Isaiah 42:1-3)
Jesus promises to not break us... "the bruised reed"
nor will he snuff out (or quench) us... "a smoldering wick".

rather Christ says,
"i expected more failure from you than you expected from yourself
...at this moment FIX YOUR EYES ON ME
...receive my LOVE & COMPASSION."

so, here i sit
FIXED on Christ
LOVED by Christ
TRUSTING Christ
GRATEFUL beyond words
CHANGED... forever.

soli deo gloria!