swirling

so many things seem to be swirling around my head... in my heart as of late. i want YHWH to bring some cosmos to my chaos. "will that ever happen?" i keep wondering.

i feel torn...
and i don't even know why really.
TORN
between
what i want
and
where i'm at.

sometimes i feel like i'm just swirling around in life
like a bubble in a tub...
round and round she goes...
but never down into the rabbits hole.

so what's the cause of this swirling?
yah know, just those big life questions:

• what does God want me to be when i grow up?
  a.k.a.: what is the long-term plan for my life: campus ministry? social justice work... living/serving with the poor & oppressed? art... making/teaching? counseling? something else entirely?
• is he out there? a man to love and partner with in building Christ's kingdom? in loving and serving others with compassion and justice? someone whose greatest desire is to be a blessing to others? a helper? a peacemaker? a footwasher?
• is authentic, deep, generous community with other believers possible? if so, where is it outside of "the college years"? are there a people to covenant with who want to learn deeply, serve ruggedly and make radical, Christ-like CHANGE in this world? is there something more that is possible with a people that wants to LIVE life beyond a Sunday morning?
  
  i wait.
  i pray.
  i journal.
  i read Job.
  i talk through this stuff with dr.sue.
  but i don't feel like i'm getting much resolve.
  
  sure i'm (re)learning things about trusting God, waiting, listening, trusting God (oh, did i say that already? ;D) , being obedient, learning to hope, and waiting some more. these things are all good and true... rich and valuable. but the thing is i continue to feel like is that i'm swirling... and i what i want is to be caught... i want to know what is ahead... i want to know YHWH's plans for my life.

so, why all of these questions? where is this coming from after all of this time? is this you, Ruach... are you moving within me? are you inviting me into a new way of knowing, serving, loving, living for YOU? is this about something new in my call as your girl?

this thought leads me to Psalm 138, which says:

1 "I give you thanks, O LORD, with all my heart; I will sing your praises before the gods.2 I bow before your holy Temple as I worship. I praise your name for your unfailing love and faithfulness;for your promises are backed by all the honor of your name.3 As soon as I pray, you answer me; you encourage me by giving me strength. 4 Every king in all the earth will thank you, LORD, for all of them will hear your words.5 Yes, they will sing about the L ORD's ways, for the glory of the LORD is very great.6 Though the LORD is great, he cares for the humble, but he keeps his distance from the proud. 7 Though I am surrounded by troubles, you will protect me from the anger of my enemies.You reach out your hand, and the power of your right hand saves me.8 The LORD will work out his plans for my life— for your faithful love, O LORD, endures forever. Don't abandon me, for you made me."

There are so many things in this text that strike me... but the line that i can't escape is:

The LORD will work out HIS plans for my life.

these words are chilling. challenging. and strangely comforting.
they remind me that i am not my own. i did not come up with me. "shelby" wasn't my thing... i am my Triune God's thing.

as the Heidelberg Catechism says on Lord's Day One:
Q. What is your only comfort in life and in death?

A. That I am not my own, but belong body and soul, in life and in death to my faithful Savior, Jesus Christ. (short version)

so, if i don't belong to myself, WHY all of this impatient kicking and screaming... which only leads to the swirling?

why don't i relent? wait? trust?
after all of these years,

why am i not completely satisfied with YOUR way, Lord?

why is surrendering so friggin' hard?
you've never done me wrong.to surrender or not to surrender, that's the question.

the reality is my heart wants it.
my head wants it.
i want it.

is surrendering in competition with these other things that i long for?
answers.
love.
companionship.
kingdom partnership.
to know this plan of yours.

i don't want these apart from you...
rather i want them IN YOU.

please, Lord, hear the wrestlings of my heart!
whisper into them...
let me know what you are up to.

bring your SHALOM into my swirling.