getting what you asked for...

yesterday was Ash Wednesday. which came as a bit of a surprise to me as i thought it was the 8th. i wondered why harry (my pastor) was so stressed out last week about Lent when we were setting up a lunch date. details, details.

so anyway... it came a little faster than i was prepared for... but it was probably better that way. it gave me less time to try to "control" how i was going to respond to what this Lenten season offers ~ the freedom that comes from the gift of repentance ~ and respond to the leading of Ruach (the Spirit) in my decision. had i been more aware or had more time to "think about it" i probably would have made my decision based on what i felt "safe" with... or atleast i would have tried to talk my self into something "reasonable", like giving up coffee. but YHWH is rarely reasonable... at least in my life!

last night i felt invited to take the risk to jump... jump into the wide, tender, loving arms of my Savior... to discover him as my true comfort... my greatest love... my fulfillment. so i gave up seeking comfort in ANYTHING other than Christ for Lent (food, stuff, others)... and in theory is sounded good. shoot, it even sounded pretty spiritual. but what came a few short hours later i would have never expected. but that's the way that They move in my life -- Parent, Savior, Spirit... they always catch me by surprise... when i least feel "ready". it's probably the best way to have Their way with me.

so there in the quiet of my bathroom, after a long, hard & vulnerable conversation with a friend, i curled up to weep... one of those deep, quiet kinds of weeping... not a lot of noise, just a the ache of a quiet sobbing that causes you to groan in a Romans-8-sorta-way. and this time, maybe for the first time, i whispered with the strength of Aslan's roar, "Christ come... draw near to me, " and there in that little prayer began to experience the balm of Gilead come and lend healing and hope to me in a region of my soul that i think has been untouched for a very long time. maybe it was a first.

i'm not terribly surprised that this is what was asked for this Lent. i've sensed the nudgings of Ruach around my choices as of late... like i was hearing this distant question being asked. and it felt like it was being driven home when Tony Campolo kept coming back to this idea of SURRENDER over and over again at Jubilee. but like dr. sue's insights to me over the last 12 years, i dig my heels in deep and like to convince the world (and myself!) that i've got it all under control... that it's all okay... no worry, shelby's got it together. what a lie i've let myself be fooled with. the reality is i don't whenever i choose to live with more of a handle on the reigns of my life than belongs to me.

so i'm grateful. i was grateful last night when i felt the presence of the LORD moving my groaning into trust and intimacy... i came out of that cry like no other. i got a foretaste of what i asked for. so i ask it again and will each day... "come and invade me... possess me... be MORE THAN ENOUGH for me, O Triune God! meet me face-to-face Jesus, my dear sweet Savior. i am YOUR love... YOUR delight. draw near to me..."

i hope the same for you, friends...