unfathomable

i once sat in a room full of friends,  listening to one speak of the Love of our Triune God for us.  i was changed as i heard her describe it as unfathomable.  

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the idea of YHWH's unfathomable love for us through Christ has become a close companion these last couple of weeks.  

... maybe it's because Advent is here.  like Lent & Easter, Advent is a season that pays closer attention to the details of the Lord's love for his people... all people.  the humble, sacrificial, relentless love of YHWH that came to us through the Christ Child.

... maybe it's because of a novel that i read last week and some of the ways in which the Trinity's love for one another & for us was communicated in it.  this book truly stirred me, much to my chagrin, as i am often suspect of novels by Christian writers that become too popular, too quick.  but this one seemed sort of different.  the ways in which the love of the Lord was communicated by the author was downright overwhelming at times... at least for this heart.

... maybe... simply... it's because my heart needs to be reminded that the unfathomable love of our Triune God is for me, too.

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so i've been wondering why my proximity to Christ's love sometimes feels like it changes.  i don't know if it is so much that we "fall out of love" as we fall out of the way of love.  as i've been pondering the mysteriousness of the LORD's agape, chesed & grace in these last 14 months of my life, i am being moved... made new.  i'm growing to see what the effect of pressing into, receiving and truly believing in his love for me ~not just for others, but for me too~ his daughter... his hephzibah.  i'm humbled when remembering that i have been CHOSEN... and this choosing is not based on what i do or have done... but because of WHOSE I AM... Abba's BELOVED.  

sometimes in the last week, when i'm feeling a little courageous, i take pause and consider what that author offered up.  in the book the LORD communicates his love so tenderly.  i want to believe in the marrow of my bones that Christ, too, says to me, the messiest of sinners, "i'm especially fond of you."  

just the thought takes my breathe away...

come Spirit, come... blow me back into the wake of love, in the shadow of love, in the way of your unfathomable love.  

summer

summer isn't my favorite season... usually due to the mosquitoes and unprovoked perspiration (sweating brought on by ohio humidity).   

but something has happened this summer... i'm liking it a lot more than usual.  i've been trying to figure out why this usually "tolerated season" has been growing on me so.

maybe...

• ... it's the fact that i'm not melting for no good reason this year (though it got dangerously close to this back in june).
  
• ... it's the fact that i'm beating those damn mosquitoes with a healthy dose of flush-free niacin each morning.
  
• ... it's the friends ~ new & old ~ who have been frequenting my front porch this summer.
  
• ... it's the slower pace that life is offering me these days.
  

i think that the pace that life has been granting me has increased my enjoyment of summer... and being home more here in loverly kent has made for richer times with God's good gifts of community & my front porch.  these have been beautiful seconds and minutes and hours and days and weeks and months... wrought full of refreshing breezes, sun chair reading, sweet tea, good conversations, tasty meals & sidesplitting laughter.

i'm grateful, for summer 2008 has been a simple gift that i feel rich in receiving.

ants

"It is not enough to be busy,

so are the ants.

The question is:

what are we busy about?"

~ Henry David Thoreau

i have been pondering Thoreau's thoughts on busyness & TIME for a bit now.  

it makes me reflect and wonder what is true & real about the concept of TIME: the decades and years and months and weeks and days and hours and minutes and seconds that God gives us to glorify him through.  

i keep seeking real understanding on what a Christ-like perspective on the topic of TIME really is... and what a the Lordship of Christ has to do with the choices i make with the TIME that God has given me to steward.  

i feel confident this is the route to understanding what i am to truly be "busy" about.  i plan on discovering that i have more things to learn and will be compelled to dream, think and act... to live life more fully ~ a fullness that has more to do with quality, not necessarily quantity.  

i anticipate the quality of my relationships will deepen, i imagine my need for things will lessen, i plan on my hope increasing, i hope that my love will lose its prejudices and unwillingness to be extravagant, ... BOTTOMLINE: i desire to decrease so that Christ can increase... and with that in mind, that he'd INCREASE the way i use the TIME that he has lent me.

the idea of TIME (what does "my time" really mean?!? is there even such a thing as "my time"?!?) has been on the forefront of my mind for the last year.  there is much more that i desire to discover... to learn about a Christ-like perspective and action with TIME.  this is just something i'm chewing on ~ more thoughts to come...

sometimes i feel so small...

sometimes i feel so small... 

the last few months have been a hard hit to my heart... to my mind... to my soul.  my mind reels somedays when i think about the pain i've known since october.  it has left me feeling frail and fearful... things that i haven't felt in such a long time.  in the face of rejection, critique, and ungrace i am finding it difficult to stand.

most days i'm feeling vulnerable and unsure of myself...

i understand the depth of my desperation for Christ today more than i ever.  i guess that is the gift in this suffering.  more than anything i want to be scooped up, cared for, loved on, protected, encouraged, adored, wanted... Christ come and meet me in the depths of those desires!

over the last few months i've found myself on this journey of TRUST... to trust God more than i ever have before!  sometimes it feels so crazy, but i believe that despite how out of control i am feeling Christ is here... to be my Protector, my Lover, my Provider, ... my ALL.  i believe that no matter what i've done or has been done to me, Christ is committed to me & LOVES me COMPLETELY... regardless.

this is an assurance that gets me through days laden with critique, hostility, ungrace, and unlove.  this is what i DESPERATELY NEED to hold onto today...

snow days

today is an official SNOW DAY here in loverly kent!    

and even though i am no longer in school, there is still a buzz of excitement that is charged within me... must be leftovers from my snow-belt childhood.  

...aahhh, "the hill"... it sat just one house north of mine on ol' Anthony Court.  the fun my brother Bryan and our many neighbors had on it!  Suzy, Gary, Mandy, Mark, Melissa, Scott & Jeff sliding down and climbing up it... thinking it was so huge... and playing until the skin on our cheeks got hard from the cold... and a rosy red that probably wasn't as healthy as it was beautiful.

i love the idea of being trapped in by something that is so beautiful and fluffy... for the way in which it demands that i stop... and breathe.  the blizzard of '78 invited us into a slow way of living for a few days... we lost electricity and had to bundle up under blankets while we played Monopoly... my brother's favorite game back then! 

TODAY has been a warmer, more mellow snow day than those of my past.  it's been spent just being... hanging out in my home, enjoying some homemade chili and cornbread, sitting under a warm light and enjoying good music with some amazing friends... and sneaking in a little computer work while they study.  i'm grateful for the rest that this day has brought to my mind, body & soul.

LOST

true confession... 

i'm addicted!

ever since breaking my ankle in September of '06 and being stuck on the couch for a while, this show has captured my attention & imagination.  i just can't seem to get enough of it!  and i'm utterly thrilled that the new season! starts tomorrow.  this is ridiculous... me blogging about a tv show.  but i've been finding out that a lot of things are ridiculous in this life!

i can't figure out what it is about it.  it is so surreal... maybe that's why i like it so.  i was always so drawn to the surrealism: Dali, Miro, Picasso to name a few... Dali in particular!  his work wooed me in throughout my college years... and beyond!

like the surrealists, LOST bends reality... demands my attention... and plays with my mind,... my imagination.  i enjoy how the writers, directors & creative staff weave together reality with what could only be imagined... the fantastical and the disturbing!  some of my favorite aspects of the show is the weaving together of people's history AND all of the references to literature.  

i'm curious about the faith/worldview perspecitive that the writers/creators of the show are coming from.  at times there seems to be clear overtones of Buddhism... yet there is also something else familiar about the show.  LOST is so much about story... i continue to wrestle with what it has to do with our conversation on the Story... the interplay of Truth & experience... what is REAL... aspects of the metanarrative of Creation, Fall, Redemption, & Consummation... the desire for relationship... the common human desire to be KNOWN, rescued, saved... to experience GRACE & acceptance, regardless.  i feel like i see & hear so much of these themes in the past & current stories of Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Locke, Charlie, Sayid, Claire, Juliette & others.  i'd love to talk about this with folks!

so... i sit here watching the last episode of Season 3... a little pre-premiere warm-up on ABC... and i'm eagerly anticipating another season of crazy, surreal storytelling that engages my imagination... and soul!

Advent Ponderings (a work in progress)

amazingly the LORD is a radical Provider... lavishing upon me incredible ways to serve him... giving me something exciting to look forward to in the New Year. the anticipation that i feel about this Epiphany gift that is head for me causes me to pause and remember that this difficult season is the work of Advent. yes, this season is marked by HOPE & an anticipation of JOY... but its real work is the WAITING.

waiting. waiting. that's the word that we all seem to struggle with. i know i do. waiting is such a difficult work... and it requires so much of us: our trust, our patience, our comfort, the release of our illusion of being in control.

i keep thinking about it as i watch my friend Franci's belly grow with her baby boy inside. especially here at the end the waiting is extremely difficult... physically & emotionally. (january 9th or sooner!) i wonder what it was like for Mary... she hadn't planned on becoming a young mom... she didn't make love with her fella with the hope of having a child... the public shame... the physical difficulty... the "unpreparedness" of this enormity in her life... i'm unsure if she could have really understood what the Lord was doing in and through her. the magnitude of birthing the Son of God. how could she have understood that?!?

i don't think she did.
what i do believe she was able to do was RELEASE HER WHOLE SELF to the Lord... choosing to be a willing vessel, ... a servant mother. she chose to TRUST GOD with this "messy work", allowed herself to be shamed and chose to be used by the LORD so that his will and purposes could be completed. so much to learn from that young teenage mother.



for now i sit in this second Advent, waiting... anticipating... wondering what this season of my life is all about. what it is that Christ is trying to "birth" through my story? what is he preparing me for? i am grateful for the lessons on willingness that Mary has lent me. as i seek be faithful in the midst of life's mess, i too wait... and wonder. what will this Messy God that i serve do with all of this?

for now i seek to find healing through the Baby Healer... waiting desperately for his 2nd visit... the one that will rid our lives COMPLETELY of tears & ungrace, pain & violence, betrayal & hurt, illness & grief. come, Lord Jesus, come!