leaning...lending...lavishing...

unfathomable

2008-12-09T03:50:00.001-08:00

i once sat in a room full of friends, listening to one speak of the Love of our Triune God for us. i was changed as i heard her describe it as unfathomable.

+++

the idea of YHWH's unfathomable love for us through Christ has become a close companion these last couple of weeks.

... maybe it's because Advent is here. like Lent & Easter, Advent is a season that pays closer attention to the details of the Lord's love for his people... all people. the humble, sacrificial, relentless love of YHWH that came to us through the Christ Child.

... maybe it's because of a novel that i read last week and some of the ways in which the Trinity's love for one another & for us was communicated in it. this book truly stirred me, much to my chagrin, as i am often suspect of novels by Christian writers that become too popular, too quick. but this one seemed sort of different. the ways in which the love of the Lord was communicated by the author was downright overwhelming at times... at least for this heart.

... maybe... simply... it's because my heart needs to be reminded that the unfathomable love of our Triune God is for me, too.

+++

so i've been wondering why my proximity to Christ's love sometimes feels like it changes. i don't know if it is so much that we "fall out of love" as we fall out of the way of love. as i've been pondering the mysteriousness of the LORD's agape, chesed & grace in these last 14 months of my life, i am being moved... made new. i'm growing to see what the effect of pressing into, receiving and truly believing in his love for me ~not just for others, but for me too~ his daughter... his hephzibah. i'm humbled when remembering that i have been CHOSEN... and this choosing is not based on what i do or have done... but because of WHOSE I AM... Abba's BELOVED.

sometimes in the last week, when i'm feeling a little courageous, i take pause and consider what that author offered up. in the book the LORD communicates his love so tenderly. i want to believe in the marrow of my bones that Christ, too, says to me, the messiest of sinners, "i'm especially fond of you."

just the thought takes my breathe away...

come Spirit, come... blow me back into the wake of love, in the shadow of love, in the way of your unfathomable love.

summer

2008-07-27T22:32:00.001-07:00

summer isn't my favorite season... usually due to the mosquitoes and unprovoked perspiration (sweating brought on by ohio humidity).

but something has happened this summer... i'm liking it a lot more than usual. i've been trying to figure out why this usually "tolerated season" has been growing on me so.

maybe...

... it's the fact that i'm not melting for no good reason this year (though it got dangerously close to this back in june).
... it's the fact that i'm beating those damn mosquitoes with a healthy dose of flush-free niacin each morning.
... it's the friends ~ new & old ~ who have been frequenting my front porch this summer.
... it's the slower pace that life is offering me these days.

i think that the pace that life has been granting me has increased my enjoyment of summer... and being home more here in loverly kent has made for richer times with God's good gifts of community & my front porch. these have been beautiful seconds and minutes and hours and days and weeks and months... wrought full of refreshing breezes, sun chair reading, sweet tea, good conversations, tasty meals & sidesplitting laughter.

i'm grateful, for summer 2008 has been a simple gift that i feel rich in receiving.

ants

2008-04-14T14:58:00.000-07:00

"It is not enough to be busy,

so are the ants.

The question is:

what are we busy about?"

~ Henry David Thoreau

i have been pondering Thoreau's thoughts on busyness & TIME for a bit now.

it makes me reflect and wonder what is true & real about the concept of TIME: the decades and years and months and weeks and days and hours and minutes and seconds that God gives us to glorify him through.

i keep seeking real understanding on what a Christ-like perspective on the topic of TIME really is... and what a the Lordship of Christ has to do with the choices i make with the TIME that God has given me to steward.

i feel confident this is the route to understanding what i am to truly be "busy" about. i plan on discovering that i have more things to learn and will be compelled to dream, think and act... to live life more fully ~ a fullness that has more to do with quality, not necessarily quantity.

i anticipate the quality of my relationships will deepen, i imagine my need for things will lessen, i plan on my hope increasing, i hope that my love will lose its prejudices and unwillingness to be extravagant, ... BOTTOMLINE: i desire to decrease so that Christ can increase... and with that in mind, that he'd INCREASE the way i use the TIME that he has lent me.

the idea of TIME (what does "my time" really mean?!? is there even such a thing as "my time"?!?) has been on the forefront of my mind for the last year. there is much more that i desire to discover... to learn about a Christ-like perspective and action with TIME. this is just something i'm chewing on ~ more thoughts to come...

sometimes i feel so small...

2008-03-10T15:39:00.001-07:00

sometimes i feel so small...

the last few months have been a hard hit to my heart... to my mind... to my soul. my mind reels somedays when i think about the pain i've known since october. it has left me feeling frail and fearful... things that i haven't felt in such a long time. in the face of rejection, critique, and ungrace i am finding it difficult to stand.

most days i'm feeling vulnerable and unsure of myself...

i understand the depth of my desperation for Christ today more than i ever. i guess that is the gift in this suffering. more than anything i want to be scooped up, cared for, loved on, protected, encouraged, adored, wanted... Christ come and meet me in the depths of those desires!

over the last few months i've found myself on this journey of TRUST... to trust God more than i ever have before! sometimes it feels so crazy, but i believe that despite how out of control i am feeling Christ is here... to be my Protector, my Lover, my Provider, ... my ALL. i believe that no matter what i've done or has been done to me, Christ is committed to me & LOVES me COMPLETELY... regardless.

this is an assurance that gets me through days laden with critique, hostility, ungrace, and unlove. this is what i DESPERATELY NEED to hold onto today...

snow days

2008-02-12T16:39:00.001-08:00

today is an official SNOW DAY here in loverly kent!

and even though i am no longer in school, there is still a buzz of excitement that is charged within me... must be leftovers from my snow-belt childhood.

...aahhh, "the hill"... it sat just one house north of mine on ol' Anthony Court. the fun my brother Bryan and our many neighbors had on it! Suzy, Gary, Mandy, Mark, Melissa, Scott & Jeff sliding down and climbing up it... thinking it was so huge... and playing until the skin on our cheeks got hard from the cold... and a rosy red that probably wasn't as healthy as it was beautiful.

i love the idea of being trapped in by something that is so beautiful and fluffy... for the way in which it demands that i stop... and breathe. the blizzard of '78 invited us into a slow way of living for a few days... we lost electricity and had to bundle up under blankets while we played Monopoly... my brother's favorite game back then!

TODAY has been a warmer, more mellow snow day than those of my past. it's been spent just being... hanging out in my home, enjoying some homemade chili and cornbread, sitting under a warm light and enjoying good music with some amazing friends... and sneaking in a little computer work while they study. i'm grateful for the rest that this day has brought to my mind, body & soul.

LOST

2008-01-30T19:15:00.000-08:00

true confession...

i'm addicted!

ever since breaking my ankle in September of '06 and being stuck on the couch for a while, this show has captured my attention & imagination. i just can't seem to get enough of it! and i'm utterly thrilled that the new season! starts tomorrow. this is ridiculous... me blogging about a tv show. but i've been finding out that a lot of things are ridiculous in this life!

i can't figure out what it is about it. it is so surreal... maybe that's why i like it so. i was always so drawn to the surrealism: Dali, Miro, Picasso to name a few... Dali in particular! his work wooed me in throughout my college years... and beyond!

like the surrealists, LOST bends reality... demands my attention... and plays with my mind,... my imagination. i enjoy how the writers, directors & creative staff weave together reality with what could only be imagined... the fantastical and the disturbing! some of my favorite aspects of the show is the weaving together of people's history AND all of the references to literature.

i'm curious about the faith/worldview perspecitive that the writers/creators of the show are coming from. at times there seems to be clear overtones of Buddhism... yet there is also something else familiar about the show. LOST is so much about story... i continue to wrestle with what it has to do with our conversation on the Story... the interplay of Truth & experience... what is REAL... aspects of the metanarrative of Creation, Fall, Redemption, & Consummation... the desire for relationship... the common human desire to be KNOWN, rescued, saved... to experience GRACE & acceptance, regardless. i feel like i see & hear so much of these themes in the past & current stories of Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Locke, Charlie, Sayid, Claire, Juliette & others. i'd love to talk about this with folks!

so... i sit here watching the last episode of Season 3... a little pre-premiere warm-up on ABC... and i'm eagerly anticipating another season of crazy, surreal storytelling that engages my imagination... and soul!

Advent Ponderings (a work in progress)

2007-12-12T08:15:00.000-08:00

amazingly the LORD is a radical Provider... lavishing upon me incredible ways to serve him... giving me something exciting to look forward to in the New Year. the anticipation that i feel about this Epiphany gift that is head for me causes me to pause and remember that this difficult season is the work of Advent. yes, this season is marked by HOPE & an anticipation of JOY... but its real work is the WAITING.

waiting. waiting. that's the word that we all seem to struggle with. i know i do. waiting is such a difficult work... and it requires so much of us: our trust, our patience, our comfort, the release of our illusion of being in control.

i keep thinking about it as i watch my friend Franci's belly grow with her baby boy inside. especially here at the end the waiting is extremely difficult... physically & emotionally. (january 9th or sooner!) i wonder what it was like for Mary... she hadn't planned on becoming a young mom... she didn't make love with her fella with the hope of having a child... the public shame... the physical difficulty... the "unpreparedness" of this enormity in her life... i'm unsure if she could have really understood what the Lord was doing in and through her. the magnitude of birthing the Son of God. how could she have understood that?!?

i don't think she did.
what i do believe she was able to do was RELEASE HER WHOLE SELF to the Lord... choosing to be a willing vessel, ... a servant mother. she chose to TRUST GOD with this "messy work", allowed herself to be shamed and chose to be used by the LORD so that his will and purposes could be completed. so much to learn from that young teenage mother.

for now i sit in this second Advent, waiting... anticipating... wondering what this season of my life is all about. what it is that Christ is trying to "birth" through my story? what is he preparing me for? i am grateful for the lessons on willingness that Mary has lent me. as i seek be faithful in the midst of life's mess, i too wait... and wonder. what will this Messy God that i serve do with all of this?

for now i seek to find healing through the Baby Healer... waiting desperately for his 2nd visit... the one that will rid our lives COMPLETELY of tears & ungrace, pain & violence, betrayal & hurt, illness & grief. come, Lord Jesus, come!

bushwhacking

2007-12-10T20:19:00.000-08:00

i'm unsure really
what to write...
where to start...
what to do...
how to be...
but yet i find myself TRUSTING.

this new leg of my journey started with an abrupt, harsh turn on the path. it has felt like the bushwacking (to make one's way through thick woods by cutting away trees, bushes and branches) my CCO New Staff class experienced on the 10 day First Year Wildnerness Trip that we took in May of 1995. that last full day of hiking was so damn hard... so many tears... so much frustration... so much hurt... yet at the end of it we ended up celebrating like a bunch of Hobbits, for Christ had carried us through and we had reasons to eat, sing & be merry!

it was the "New Trail" that our LOD (the Leader of the Day) selected. about 10 minutes into it i knew i was gonna want to kill him. yes, this "New Trail" meant that we would not have to go "all the way down one mountain and up another", but what he didn't know was we'd have plenty of rugged ups and downs on the path that was ahead of us... much more work than if we would have taken the "Old Trail".

the "New Trail" consisted of fallen down pines & other massively huge trees. it was obvious to most of us that a tornado had blown through here -- and that we really should have turned around and taken the "Old Trail". there were enormous tree trunks that we had to either crawl/climb over or scootch under on our bellies ~ pulling our 60+ pound pack behind us. packs on, packs off... over & over & over again. ugh. then there was the mountain we scaled down... it was at a 25-30 degree angle (seriously, not exagerating here!)... oh, and the mud -- it was everywhere.

we searched and strained to find the Blue Blades... often fearing we had missed one and were going in the complete wrong direction. (we had to crawl under other trees sometimes just to see if a blue blade was on the part of the tree that had fallen over... what a mess!) finding each one was reason to cheer in the face of our fainting hope.

i'm unsure if i've ever done such hard physical labor as we did that day. the thing that made it so amazing was that we did it TOGETHER, with God's help. none of us were left alone in the difficulty and pain... and Christ truly TRANSFORMED us through that difficult situation.

yes, we did have some SERIOUS and INTENSE conversations!

oh, those 4 poor women who struggled at the end of the pack, sick from the wear & tear of the 10 day trip and its adverse affects on their bodies!

and those YAMs (the Young Athletic Males) who were hauling ass to who-knows-where without considering the pace of the sick & weary. as is common, i found myself IN BETWEEN these 2 forces... me & my pal CindyBlount calling out for the crazy YAMs to slow down, be considerate & wait... and calling back words of encouragement to the women who were suffering and struggling on the trail.

by the end of that terribly long day (we hiked for about 10 hours and didn't set up camp until after dark), we found ourselves in our camp... once again really TOGETHER. (oh, our camp site... i don't think we ever told our CCO leaders that we slept right "on the trail" and set up our camp next to a water source... yikes! a BIG wilderness no-no ;}) we shook off the frustrations and hurts of the day and moved forward... Pete seranading us all on his harmonica, people cracking jokes over the absurdity of the day, everyone cooking up a wilderness-sort-of banquet feast in the middle of the Allegheny Mountains: pizzas, pastas, brownies & more. we entered into the Feast... celebrating the way that Kingdom people know best.

+++

so, i find myself once again on a "New Trail"... rather than having a 60 pound pack strapped to my back and being among my CCO cohorts, i am wearing the nearly unbearable weight of hurt & ungrace. today i journey among a people of "scandalous grace" here in Kent. i am definitely bushwacking... i do not know what to do with what i am seeing and hearing and experiencing-- the bad & the good. i keep searching for the "blue blades" that i thought would be there from a place... a people... that i've trusted and believed in for so long... but i just can't find them.

but the THREE THINGS THAT I DO KNOW with confidence is that:

1. i TRUST Jesus completely... with all of me... with all of this!
2. Jesus Christ is alive & well in my life & in the community of Grace here in loverly Kent (those literally IN kent & folks who were once here with us and have stayed connected). i know that HERE, among THIS PEOPLE, i am experiencing the weight of UNgrace being lifted freeing me of the hurt and betrayal of those i had trusted and loved.
3. there is a CELEBRATION that is being prepared, for Christ has already begun to show HIS ABUNDANT provision in my life... and i feel confident more is on its way.

i would not have chosen to bushwack through life again, but i am grateful that Christ is the One who is leading me this time... and that fact i am doing so with an amazing group of brothers & sisters in Christ.

for this & more i can say with confidence: SOLI DEO GLORIA -- to God be the Glory!

2007-11-26T20:11:00.000-08:00

i've known PAIN,
in some fashion,
since i was 5 years old

... pain of a broken heart... pain due to abuse... pain from rejection... pain of depression... pain of migraines... pain from car wrecks... pain from arthritis... pain from more rejection... pain from Fibromyagia... pain of my sin... pain of waiting... pain of distance... pain of loneliness... pain of obedience... pain of not being able to help... pain of fear... pain of love & grace withheld

i am tired of pain... in every form.

ROMANS 8 has been so near...

"When we cry, ‘Abba! Father!’ it is that very Spirit bearing witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs, heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ—if, in fact, we suffer with him so that we may also be glorified with him.

I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory about to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the children of God; for the creation was subjected to futility, not of its own will but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to decay and will obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. We know that the whole creation has been groaning in labour pains until now; and not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly while we wait for adoption, the redemption of our bodies. For in hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what is seen? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but that very Spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words. And God, who searches the heart, knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn within a large family. And those whom he predestined he also called; and those whom he called he also justified; and those whom he justified he also glorified.

What then are we to say about these things? If God is for us, who is against us? He who did not withhold his own Son, but gave him up for all of us, will he not with him also give us everything else? Who will bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? It is Christ Jesus, who died, yes, who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who indeed intercedes for us. Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will hardship, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

As it is written,‘For your sake we are being killed all day long; we are accounted as sheep to be slaughtered.’

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

... we enter into our inheritance
by sharing in the sufferings of Christ

... even the creation growns
as in the pains of childbirth

these days i find myself struggling to meet Paul in his sentiment "the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory about to be revealed to us."

my mind wants to believe it, but my heart... well,...
it wrestles.
it feels so unsure... so scared
if there will really be
a MORE that makes
this difficult season
worthwhile.

Holy Spirit... Ruach... Comforter... Counselor... Paul says that YOU are our HELP in our weakness. meet me. hold me. make a new way for me in your grace... for i am weak and in desperate need of you!

and then there's that LOVE again...
that LOVE that is
BEYOND SIZE,
BEYOND ENEMY,
BEYOND OBSTACLES,
... yet never beyond my reach.

i need Christ's wisdom & understanding, grace & love, healing & hope. please pray with me this week, friends...

the labor of trust

2007-11-16T16:29:00.000-08:00

brennan manning said that
TRUSTING GOD is something that
you have to choose to RENEW DAILY.
i believe him.

tuesday night, wednesday and most of thursday lent me a good gift... for freedom came in the wake of choosing ~for the first time~ to completely trust in Christ's compassion & love... even a little HOPE began to shine through. it was amazing.

then thursday evening came
bearing down on me with difficult news.
i was overwhelmed all over again
... did i learn anything?!?
... was tuesday's decision truly authentic?
... why was i so crushed?!?

i believe i did learn something
... infact, i believe i was truly changed!
tuesday evening!
it was an authentic decision.
i believe that in my bones.
then thursday evening came and left me feeling crushed.

what i learned was that
trusting Christ didn't allow me
to escape pain & difficulty
... rather,
trusting Christ
invites me into enter INTO
the difficulty, pain, despair with the knowledge

... that HE is NOT going to break me,
"the bruised reed"

... it gives me freedom to feel what i feel
and know that he will not drown me, "a smoldering wick"

trusting Christ
INVITES me
to lean against his bosom,
like the beloved disciple John did,
& be vulnerable with him.

(hmmm... vulnerable.
another one of those tough words for me)

trusting Christ INVITES me
to choose him to be
my strength,
my help,
my support,
my hope
when i feel weak & vulnerable...
...and to BELIEVE that HE will PROVIDE all of those things
...that HE WILL BE ALL OF THOSE THINGS!

...so
with puffy eyes & damp cheeks
i am here
with the great I AM
... trusting that HE is MORE than enough for me
not just tuesday,
nor just today,
but everyday...
forever.

liberation. change. gratitude.

2007-11-14T15:06:00.000-08:00

last night i encountered
the wildness,
the indescribable love
and the compassion
of Jesus Christ
in a way that i have NEVER encountered before
in my 38 years of living.

there is only one other talk that has so changed my life... and that was Tom Skinner's Jubilee talks in 1991... they too caused me to become undone... and left me liberated for that is when i surrendered my life to Christ as Savior AND Lord.

Brennan Manning
overwhelmed me last night
as he spoke on COMPASSION OF JESUS CHRIST
(the greek definition of compassion has a deep nuance... "a feeling that comes from the bowels")
... so wild, so strong, so amazing.
at times i felt like he was inside my head, inside my heart
... i wanted to scream
... i wanted to run away
... but something kept me there,
riveted to my seat with tears streaming down my face.

story upon story
from his own life
... his own mess
... and the messy life stories of others,
Brennan laid out the most compelling invitation
that i have EVER heard
to surrender one's WHOLE self
... to COMPLETELY TRUST CHRIST.

trust.
there it is.
that small word that serves as my biggest struggle.

"you don't trust God, Shelby."
that is the haunting sentence
that cracked through my skull
and exposed my heart 10 years ago
during a discipleship session with Dr. Sue.

10 years.

but finally something broke through last night
and i surrendered myself to Christ
... choosing to COMPLETE TRUST
... regardless of what happens
... good or bad,
... beautiful or difficult,
... safe or unsafe.

in my journal i keep referring to this as the "difficult season".
but just like Dr. Sue once said, "suffering is a gift.".
the suffering and struggle and shame and sorrow
that i have been experiencing these last few weeks...
well, they made my heart ready to receive this invitation.

just 2 nights before i had wrote in my journal,
"i'm afraid to trust you, YHWH
... i'm afraid if i do then something bad will happen to me
... i'm afraid of what you let happen to a righteous person like Job
... i fear what you will allow in the life of THIS sinner".

loneliness, fear, anxiety, & shame
... these have been my closest companions these last couple of weeks.
last night i said "good bye" to them.

i've decided to take hold of the hand
... shoot, to crawl up in the arms ...
of the One whose COMPASSION
is wild, intense, and more than enough for me.

the One whose COMPASSION
will fill me with his LOVE & GRACE
...regardless of my sin
... regardless of my past
... regardless of what i've done
... regardless of what has been done to me
... regardless of what i struggle with
... regardless.

Brennan declared that
the core of the Christian faith...
the essence of the Good News is...

"Jesus Christ LOVES US AS WE ARE
and WANTS to give us
HIS LOVE & ACCEPTANCE."

the LOVE of JESUS CHRIST
DOES NOT DEPEND
on my performance,
my sin,
my willingness nor unwillingness to change.

Christ looks at
YOU & ME
with the most
INDESCRIBABLE COMPASSION,
and as he speaks in Matthew 12:18-21
(quoting the prophecy in Isaiah 42:1-3)
Jesus promises to not break us... "the bruised reed"
nor will he snuff out (or quench) us... "a smoldering wick".

rather Christ says,
"i expected more failure from you than you expected from yourself
...at this moment FIX YOUR EYES ON ME
...receive my LOVE & COMPASSION."

so, here i sit
FIXED on Christ
LOVED by Christ
TRUSTING Christ
GRATEFUL beyond words
CHANGED... forever.

soli deo gloria!

it speaks to me

2007-11-05T13:29:00.000-08:00

When Death Comes
by Mary Oliver

When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn
when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse

to buy me, and snaps his purse shut;
when death comes
like the measle pox;

when death comes
like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,

I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering;
what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?

And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea,
and I consider eternity as another possibility,

and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular,

and each name a comfortable music in the mouth
tending as all music does, toward silence,

and each body a lion of courage, and something
precious to the earth.

When it's over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was a bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it's over, I don't want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened
or full of argument.

I don't want to end up simply having visited this world.

this is a poem that my friend sent to me today. her nephew read it at his mother's funeral. it amazes me how my friend is so in tune with the Spirit... and how even in her own grieving she continues to be generous... this poem met my soul today... it speaks to me.

less... is it really MORE?

2007-10-15T12:59:00.001-07:00

one of my favorite cook books is the MCC's (mennonite central committee - www.mcc.org) "Less is More." now, i adore and appreciate this cookbook because in the core of me this idea is right on. i'm completely on board with this way of thinking about consumption and food. it aligns well with my taste buds, my values and my economic commitments.

but when it comes to the interior desires of my life, the title of this cookbook frustrates me.

i feel so greedy sometimes. I WANT MORE. since 2004 i've felt less and less satisfied. "i want more," as Belle said in Beauty & the Beast, "than this provencial life!" and i feel sorta bad about it. but should i?

the reality is that LESS isn't really working for me anymore. for 8 years or so i really did enjoy being single and the freedom that it offered... free to serve Christ in a myriad of ways, free to travel, free to frolick with friends at leisure. yet over the last 4 years i've had a growing, nagging, frustration at being unintentionally single. being JUST ONE isn't really working for me anymore. and with each passing year i feel a bit more... well... disappointed.

doing "life on your own" is tiring (not that i think marriage is the "world of easy")... but i continue to sit with YHWH's words, "it is not good for man to be alone." i CONNECT DEEPLY with those words, with that idea... i often think, "it's not good for Shelby to be alone." i know from very deep within me that i've been made for relationship. it's the way that i'm wired. and at this point in my life i'm unbelievably aware of my need for a covenant partner... a husband with whom i can serve and be served... one that i can bring glory, healing and joy with... and not just for ourselves, but for this world that is in such desperate need for ZOE!

ZOE. that's what i have in Christ. that's what i desire to know more fully with a fella who will make me his second love, loving me out of his love for Christ! that's the MORE that my heart, my soul longs wildly for!

my reality is that in this sphere of my life ~ unintentional singleness ~ "LESS is NOT providing the MORE" in my life... atleast not in this area. maybe i should leave this concept for the kitchen and my culinary adventures.

so, what does a girl do?

i live in a sea of college students and campus ministry... which is beautiful and something that i cherish... but have my choices to serve Christ somehow reduced my ability to access the kind of relationship that i so deeply long for? or as Conally Gilliam talks about in her book "Revelations of a Single Woman", are my unique giftings (leadership abilities, strong sense of being Christ's, the ability to think deeply, good communicator/public speaker), though appreciated in the context of ministy, intimidating to men? and if so, what the hell?! am i supposed to make myself some little wimpy, wilting flower that needs to be saved by some strong man... is that how a Christian woman is supposed to find her way into relationship?

unintentional singleness. what is the way out and not lose your self respect?

kicked in the gut

2007-07-23T11:17:00.000-07:00

i don't know what do to with this feeling. rejection always leaves me feeling like i've been kicked in the gut... especially when there's no clear explaination to it. you'd think by now it wouldn't effect me... but when it comes from other believers that you risk to trust & love, well, its just so damn hard... i just seem to not be able to shake the pain and confusion that it has left again in the wake of my life.

good closure. that's what i long for. that's all i really want. relationships come and go... that's part of the seasons of life... it's reality... i understand and accept that.

death arrives not just in the form of our physical death, but it comes to relationships, communities, our work, ministry, etc. pruning is a form of death that lend life... and good closure offers us the ability to appreciate and steward this pruning.

what's hurtful is when the "death" isn't handled well... when you don't understand what brought it about... when you don't get a chance to say good bye. so i guess that's where i am... sitting with the hurt and confusion similar to an unexplained loss of life ~ like what a car accident does to one.

i just want some insights to why i've been abandoned in a dear-to-me friendship... i want to know what i need to own & repent of... i want to know what to leave in their hands. at this point i just feel shitty about myself when it comes to them. i'd like the opportunity to be a part of good closure to the gift of friendship that we were given... to bring a good closure to our shared story... to experience Christ's redemptive grace in the death of a friendship that will one day be transformed by the restoration of Christ's return. Come, shalom, come!

a philosophy of "Y'all"

2007-06-12T20:52:00.000-07:00

the wonderful thing about the uniquely southern colloquium "Y'all" is that it captures the essence of the plural "you" for English speaking Westerners... and does so without the gender-limiting implications of the American vernacular "you guys".

I find the term "Y'all" has the ability to allow both women and men to identify themselves with the it... much like the power of "vous" (French), "אתה" (Hebrew), "εσείς" (Greek), & "ustedes" (Spanish)... whereas "you guys" has the potential of marginalizing the female community from the larger conversation or greeting.

+++

where did that come from, you may be wondering?!? a while back i decided to reach into my southern roots and reclaim the term "Y'all"... but as of late one of my "pals" has decided to give me a hard time for the mutiple uses of it in an email sent to friends of both the male & female persuasion. hmmphf... how do you like them apples, jimmyZ?!? ;D

my cat

2006-11-26T14:33:00.002-08:00

my cat is the coolest. she is unbelievably kind and forgiving... ridiculously loving and playful... and completely committed. i have a lot to learn from her.

i love how no matter how much i'm lacking, she is loving. one minute she's telling me off for forgetting to leave food for her before i rush off to church (use your best latino R rolling skills here ) ~ "Bbrrrreow, brreow, bbbrrrrreeoooow!" ~ and the next minute she's lending me an abundance of kindness and grace as she buries her head into the crook of my arm... snugglin' in for some luvin'.

i love how she always seems to know that someone is feelin' sad and she makes her way onto their lap to lend a little compassion. or how when i am feeling not so hot about a day, she's wildly playful... trying to play chase with me... jumping out of nowhere... causing me to find reason to giggle like a 5 year old girl.

i love how she always knows where i am. seriously, my cat keeps tabs on me. i like how since i got hurt she waits and takes those dredded stairs at my new speed :: slow. i take one, she takes one... and on and on. if i'm cleaning up a storm in my spare womb (room), she finds a cozy spot on the back of the futon where she naps and occasionally comes down to survey the work i've accomplished... and to give me a little shout out: "bbrrrreoooww!"

aaahhhhh, kohl... my latina kitty... my pal... my teacher.

wrecked

2006-11-19T19:51:00.000-08:00

i felt a bit torn between faith communties tonight: acrc's annual thanksgiving dinner & vineyard's service... what to do? i'm glad i decided to go to both.

the "last supper" at acrc was meaningful and i was grateful to hear that i had been used in someone' s life there this year... to extend encouragement. but i also knew in my gut that i was supposed to hear the next part of the Blue Like Jazz series at vineyard... and i'm grateful beyond words that i found my way into that space, among that people,... because i experienced something that was beyond my comprehension.

i came in on the start of Scott reading a story written in Sports Illustrated (i know, weird magazine for me to refer to in my blog or any part of my life really). the story is about this dad and his son... and the great lengths the dad has gone to for his son to know HOW VERY MUCH he is LOVED & VALUED.

here's the link :: http://cjcphoto.com/can/ :: the rest of what i'll say won't make much sense with out y'all reading this story and watching the video at the end.

it left me completely wrecked...
i can't imagine someone
EVER loving me like that.

i didn't know how to respond to it.
i felt so raw and was struggling when i was trying to talk with folks afterward.

so i came home, opened the link and like scott
i just wept...
hit the button...
then wept some more.
this went on for a while.

words pale at that kind of beauty...
...at that kind of the profound love.
my imagination doesn't know where to put it...
my soul doesn't know how to experience it with God...
my heart doesn't know how to hope for it here with another...

i don't think i've ever known
that kind of love... ever.
pure
sacrificial
full of delight
wanting to bless

how i want to KNOW this.
could it ever be possible in my life?
i can imagine it for others... but me?
i don't know.

all i do know is that
i'm raw
... and wrecked.

swirling

2006-11-11T22:02:00.000-08:00

so many things seem to be swirling around my head... in my heart as of late. i want YHWH to bring some cosmos to my chaos. "will that ever happen?" i keep wondering.

i feel torn...
and i don't even know why really.
TORN
between
what i want
and
where i'm at.

sometimes i feel like i'm just swirling around in life
like a bubble in a tub...
round and round she goes...
but never down into the rabbits hole.

so what's the cause of this swirling?
yah know, just those big life questions:

what does God want me to be when i grow up?
a.k.a.: what is the long-term plan for my life: campus ministry? social justice work... living/serving with the poor & oppressed? art... making/teaching? counseling? something else entirely?
is he out there? a man to love and partner with in building Christ's kingdom? in loving and serving others with compassion and justice? someone whose greatest desire is to be a blessing to others? a helper? a peacemaker? a footwasher?
is authentic, deep, generous community with other believers possible? if so, where is it outside of "the college years"? are there a people to covenant with who want to learn deeply, serve ruggedly and make radical, Christ-like CHANGE in this world? is there something more that is possible with a people that wants to LIVE life beyond a Sunday morning?

i wait.
i pray.
i journal.
i read Job.
i talk through this stuff with dr.sue.
but i don't feel like i'm getting much resolve.

sure i'm (re)learning things about trusting God, waiting, listening, trusting God (oh, did i say that already? ;D) , being obedient, learning to hope, and waiting some more. these things are all good and true... rich and valuable. but the thing is i continue to feel like is that i'm swirling... and i what i want is to be caught... i want to know what is ahead... i want to know YHWH's plans for my life.

so, why all of these questions? where is this coming from after all of this time? is this you, Ruach... are you moving within me? are you inviting me into a new way of knowing, serving, loving, living for YOU? is this about something new in my call as your girl?

this thought leads me to Psalm 138, which says:

1 "I give you thanks, O LORD, with all my heart; I will sing your praises before the gods.2 I bow before your holy Temple as I worship. I praise your name for your unfailing love and faithfulness;for your promises are backed by all the honor of your name.3 As soon as I pray, you answer me; you encourage me by giving me strength. 4 Every king in all the earth will thank you, LORD, for all of them will hear your words.5 Yes, they will sing about the L ORD's ways, for the glory of the LORD is very great.6 Though the LORD is great, he cares for the humble, but he keeps his distance from the proud. 7 Though I am surrounded by troubles, you will protect me from the anger of my enemies.You reach out your hand, and the power of your right hand saves me.8 The LORD will work out his plans for my life— for your faithful love, O LORD, endures forever. Don't abandon me, for you made me."

There are so many things in this text that strike me... but the line that i can't escape is:

The LORD will work out HIS plans for my life.

these words are chilling. challenging. and strangely comforting.
they remind me that i am not my own. i did not come up with me. "shelby" wasn't my thing... i am my Triune God's thing.

as the Heidelberg Catechism says on Lord's Day One:
Q. What is your only comfort in life and in death?

A. That I am not my own, but belong body and soul, in life and in death to my faithful Savior, Jesus Christ. (short version)

so, if i don't belong to myself, WHY all of this impatient kicking and screaming... which only leads to the swirling?

why don't i relent? wait? trust?
after all of these years,

why am i not completely satisfied with YOUR way, Lord?

why is surrendering so friggin' hard?
you've never done me wrong.to surrender or not to surrender, that's the question.

the reality is my heart wants it.
my head wants it.
i want it.

is surrendering in competition with these other things that i long for?
answers.
love.
companionship.
kingdom partnership.
to know this plan of yours.

i don't want these apart from you...
rather i want them IN YOU.

please, Lord, hear the wrestlings of my heart!
whisper into them...
let me know what you are up to.

bring your SHALOM into my swirling.

shedding

2006-05-10T19:50:00.000-07:00

(this one's for you, candy.)

to shed, or not to shed... that was the question as lent came to a close.

the answer: shed.

as i prepared for the lenten season what came to the surface was my desire to go to other things for comfort rather than God. though i don't go to FOOD for comfort the way that i did for 20 years, i still do find comfort in it from time to time... its continued to be my "reward". what always has accompanied it is SHOPPING (usually in the form of gifts for others). this isn't any new revelation. what was new was the recognition that there was still more room for growth. the Spirit urged my soul with the desire to shed this temporary solution for comfort with an invitation to find my comfort in Christ... and Christ alone. so i gave up anything that i sought comfort in.

throughout the lenten season i kept mediating on the phrase: "Jesus Christ shed his blood for you... and with it he washed all of your sins away." over and over again this prayer spilled over my lips and reached into my soul. by the end of those 40 days i found myself in closer proximity with Christ.

the fruit that was ripened over that season was longer times of journaling, mornings blessed with the promptings of the Spirit in prayer on my lips as i awoke, and long stretches scouring the Psalms for reminders of YHWH's faithfulness... examples that he's trustworthy.

as i came into closer proximity with Christ i heard an invitation to take some physical action as a way to respond to Christ's gifts of awareness during lent. an invitation to do some shedding of my own... so i shed the only thing i could think of on Easter... my leg hair. (it's been 16 years for those who were wondering!)

so, it's been an interesting month being free of fuzz. this has actually caused me to reflect more on the gift of Christ's shed blood in my life (not because of niks ~ i still know how to wield a razor surprisingly enough) but because my new found smoothness has served me as a daily reminder that i am a NEW CREATION IN CHRIST.

strange way to grow deeper in that realization, i know,... but this is how the Spirit tends my soul ... with images and invitations.

leaky

2006-05-08T22:20:00.000-07:00

i can't seem to shake a bit of the blues as of late... they keep making me be all leaky (that's my term for crying). overall i'm grateful... very grateful... for these last 9 months. the Lord has been so gracious and so kind in my life. i have innumerable reasons to thank him!

but my gratitude just can't make me shake some of the fears and lies that have been causing my leaks.

it seems crazy to continue to struggle with believing the lies: that i'm not "good enough"; that i mess everything up; that i'm "damaged goods"; that when i try to love i just end up hurting others; . . ._ fill in the blank_. after all this time i still believe the lies like they were the Truth. ugh.

my old friend doug bradbury always talked about how "we need to believe the Truth as if it were a lie!" so i'm trying to r e a c h for the Truth and b e l i e v e it with the same intensity (if not more) that i've been buying these lies.

i've NEEDED the scriptures so much lately... to argue the TRUTH into my head and heart. just listening in the Psalms for the TRUTH that YHWH is faithful and trustworthy (96, 138)... that the LORD has made me tov-tov & that he adores me (139). or as Isaiah proclaims in chapter 62:4, i am YHWH's Hephzibah... his delight! and in the writings of Paul, to be reminded that "i am a new creation IN CHRIST"(Galatians 6:15)... that "i don't belong to myself, but that i belong God" and that Christ has bought me (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)... and i am no longer an enemy of God, but rather i am his friend (Romans 5:10).

i need these Truths to hold onto because this storm keeps causing leaks.

crammed

2006-04-27T07:25:00.000-07:00

as of late life has felt like my laundry bag from college... you know the kind that you crammed full of your clothes to the point that the seams were nearly busting. it's crammed because you don't want to miss out on any of your old favorites or new fab-finds being left out on the journey home to be sorted and washed... celebrated and worn.

so what does this have to do with my life? well, the last couple of months i feel like my heart, mind and soul has been crammed full of so much goodness, so many possibilities, so many new Kingdom considerations, so much rich learning, so many scriptures that have leapt off the page and begun to become 3dimensional in my life, so many surprises, so much to think about... that i can most relate with my old laundry bag... full amazing and treasured things, nearly busting at the seams, ready to be sorted... ideas washed/worked out... and given legs to celebrate and cultivate faithfulness.

i almost feel overwhelmed by the awe and wonder of it all... kinda like that fateful moment when i'd get home from kent state and dump out all of my clothes... and yikes, there it ALL is... how do i make cosmos out of this chaos? so i finally decided that i'd open the bag up here today... with the understanding that i don't have to figure out how it all sorts out nor how it all will get worn for the glory of Christ. i just had to untie and begin to let some of the pressure off the seams of my life... and let Christ, through the work of the Holy Spirit, do his thing. [thanx, austina, for nudging me about writing on this thing!]

i've been "writing" this blog entry in my head ever since i returned from our Spring Break TREK to D.C. -- probably even on it. my head and heart has been spinning with images, faces, ideas, action, hopes, and worries since treading those sidewalks of D.C. with an amazing group of sojourners. the week was both a treasure and a tease.

it was a treasure to live with, serve along, laugh with, learn beside, dream with, wonder alongside of abby, ryan, becky, lydia, brett, nicole, and poppy. the van conversations, watching folks be moved and empowered, frolicking together, sharing in laughter that lent to deep learning, listening to how folk's hearts and eyes were being changed, imagining together a new way... third way -- Christ's way of living out Love, Compassion & Truth in this world.

it was a tease because it was so temporal... i was reminding how much of a gift living in an intentional community really is. it has made me grateful once again for those 7 wonderful years that i was living and learning alongside the 35 people of the Kairos House community. it underscored how difficult it is to work toward rich community outside of intentional spaces, experiences and relationships. it left me hungering for more... it left me longing for Christ to come (& to come quickly!) so that this world that is filled with lonely, hungry people can have their hearts, minds, souls and bodies... their longings filled at the Banquet Feast of our LORD!

and thanx to my friend, steve garber from The Washington Institute, i am reminded that WE CAN cultivate intentional community... folks who we can pursue faithfulness alongside of. i really appreciated hearing steve twice over the last month... and in both of his talks steve shared about how he & meg always choose a neighbor first, not a house. i learned those same ideas from gail & ken heffner (cco alum who are some of garber's cohorts) back at OCBP in '93... they talked with us about making decisions about where to live and work based on the community with whom you could best live and serve Christ with. they really encouraged and challenged us to go where we can live alongside of other Kingdom builders... to make that primary... and not to make our career or salary be the deciding factor. these ideas are radical... counter cultural.

so this is one of the things that i want to see YHWH develop again in my life. i want to live among Kingdom cohorts that make Christ first & foremost in their lives. i want to wrestle, pray, learn and work out faithfulness together... all day, every day.

my heart desires...

depth with the people of God.
learning how to live lives of sacrificial love together in a world that hungers for such selflessness.
rich conversations with Kingdom consequences over lengthy cups of fair trade coffee... and then act on them together!
to be loving neighbors to a city that is in desperate need of a Savior & a LORD.
to study the Scriptures & theology that will lend to a lifetime of glorifying Christ!
working out the dreams of God (Brian McClaren, The Secret Message of Jesus) through creative, wholistic pursuits of faithfulness in our work, play, neighboring, cooking, voting, celebrations, writing, serving, gardens, family, decision-making, and hopes.
working out our faith together in the political sphere ~ locally, nationally, globally... for the sake of the poor & oppressed.
to know our Triune God more deeply through rich, authentic CONNECTING with other followers of Christ... and the mutual soul care that only comes from that kind of relationship (Larry Crabb, Connecting).

so, there you go... a little is out... i've only unpacked a small portion of my "laundry bag." i've barely scratched the surface of what i'm thinking and feeling about these things... there is so much more to say... to process.

i've yet to talk about...

the affects of Harry's preaching on the the Gospel of Mark: the Revolution of Christ and if i'm going to be a rebel for Christ... how the insights that Wendell Berry is lending me through his book Sex, Economy, Freedom & Community... how the radical, revolutionary vision to live like and for Christ that Shane Claiborne's (from the simple way community) life lends through his book The Irresistable Revolution... how to teach leadership development to others when i've always done it t h r o u g h community here in kent... how the Psalms are rocking my world as i search for reminders and teachings on YHWH's faithfulness -- and am finding them... how the students that Christ has brought into my life are an act of his overwhelming kindness and love... how the lives of a number of LN alumni continue to be a source of real encouragement as i watch them work out their love for Christ.... i could go on. thank goodness i'm caught in a life with eternity guaranteed to work out these things with my Triune God. [for any of the books mentioned just contact my good friends, byron & beth borger at Hearts & Minds Bookstore for the lowest "fair trade" price]

YOU are tov-tov-tov-tov-tov-tov-tov, O Triune God! i'm grateful to be overwhelmed by your goodness! it lends light and hope in the midst of life's struggles, pains, suffering and confusion. i am reminded that YOU ARE THE LIGHT WHO CAME INTO OUR DARKNESS... you HAVE HAD victory through your suffering, death and resurrection from the Cross. and now we get to walk hand-in-hand WITH YOU to work out YOUR LOVE, LIGHT, TRUTH & HOPE in this world. grant me courage, patience and a faithful spirit to live like YOU! help me to patiently work with you to sort out all the goodness that has been crammed into my life... for your glory & delight.

doughnuts in the sky

2006-03-19T21:03:00.000-08:00

so the other day i was taking a walk in my neighborhood and testing out my new ipod shuffle -- thanx to my techie pals: the ever-so-patient-and-kind ryan & mr. apple himself, dahveed! while walking toward davey elementary school i see the Good Year Blimp fly/float past me... then, when it was over the school it started doing doughnuts in the sky! seriously... the Good Year Blimp was doing doughnuts!!! i thought to myself, "nicole would love this." (if you didn't know, nicole used to do doughnuts in the parking lot of kent free library in my car... when i was in it! and would she ever crack up!!!)

the thing that was killing me most though was that all of these little elementary school kids were heading back into the building from recess and not a one of them noticed! i couldn't believe it!

the whole thing cracked me up... the blimp gettin' crazy and me going crazy because the kids missed the best show that the playground has seen in years! it has been a couple of days now and i'm still giggling...

what you love...

2006-03-05T22:16:00.000-08:00

for some reason this Lent has left me feeling more alive... more curious... more aware... and more reflective, somber. there is something growing inside of me this Lent... a curiousity for intimacy... a longing to know and be known...

gratitude grows within me for this "letting go" and "taking on" practices of Lent which has been the key factor in the awareness. my eyes and heart seem wider, more open than usual... i feel like i'm seeking in fresh ways. words and ideas have been coming up of pages and computer screens and out of people's mouths in a 3dimensional-sort-of-way. there is something to this practice of surrender that lends one a deeper experience of the Incarnation of Christ. i don't know what all yet, but i feel it growing something new inside of me.

"For when there is a question as to whether a [person] is good, one does not ask what [they] believe, or what [they] hope, but what [they] love." Augustine

this idea of what i love being the defining feature of my life has had my mind moving and churning over the last 10 days. (that's how long it took to finally write this sucker.) what is my goodness defined by? hopefully not what i do, but WHOSE I AM... WHO I BELONG TO: Christ, the lover of my soul. but is that what people see? experience? or do they just see me?

"Lord, Jesus Christ, lover of my soul... send to me your Spirit to sculpt my life and my love into a beautiful reflection of YOU. come and have your way with me. make me less, so that YOU might be the MORE in my life... the ONLY of my life."

i have so much growing up and maturing and wondering left to do in this little life of mine. i'm grateful that YHWH is so patient... and for his invitation for me to wait patiently on him: "Wait patiently on me, Shelby,... be brave & courageous, and again wait patiently on me, the LORD of all the universe." (Psalm 27:14, my paraphrase) Like Advent, there is much waiting in this season of Lent.

not knowing whether to cry or laugh...

2006-03-04T08:08:00.000-08:00

I want a lifetime of holy moments.
Every day I want to be in dangerous proximity to Jesus.
I long for a life that explodes with meaning
and is filled with adventure, wonder, risk, and danger.
I long for a faith that is gloriously treacherous.
I want to be with Jesus, not knowing whether to cry or laugh.
~ Mike Yaconelli - founder of Youth Specialties, author, Jubilee speaker

i was surfing around some of the blogs that some LN students have and found this AMAZING quote on jamie's... when i read it the format of the blog didn't show mike's name and i thought she had written it... then i immediately thought, "why is this woman asking me to hang out for discipleship?!? she needs to disciple me!" and i think she will. students really do change the way that i know Christ. they haven't lost their ability to access hope... they're full of raw passion... and live lives that are ignited. one time my old friend mark said, "campus ministry really keeps your feet close to the fire of faith," and when i sojourn with folks like jamie, franci, jennifer, or jackie (just to name a few)... i have to admit that those were very wise words that mark lent. my desire to be lost completely in Christ overwhelms me somedays... and i'm blessed that sometimes it's the stories that students share with me about their faith journeys that open that door in my life.

I want a lifetime of holy moments.
Every day I want to be in dangerous proximity to Jesus.
I long for a life that explodes with meaning
and is filled with adventure, wonder, risk, and danger.
I long for a faith that is gloriously treacherous.
I want to be with Jesus, not knowing whether to cry or laugh.

i can't read it too much. yac's quote really makes me ache... hunger... long. when i first saw this quote it felt strangely familiar and incredibly wonderful. familiar because yac was a jubilee speaker in the mid-90's and really blew us away, which led me to read some of his stuff, hence the familiarity.? when i saw it i just sat there in front of the computer....... simply staring at those strange and wonderful words and sentences, praying to the Spirit that they would get INTO me. for they touch what i think this Lenten season is supposed to be about for me this year... a radical dependence on Christ... to know him more intimately than a lover... to be overwhelmed by his presence, his forgiveness and changed by his love... to be fully surrendered... embodying what Luke writes about in Acts 17:28 NLT, "For in him we live and move and exist." this is the Truth about my reality.

as my wonder increases so does my curiosity. what will come over these next few weeks as we approach the Paschal mystery (Easter)? am i willing to live abandoned to Christ alone? leaning into him, lending him to all that i encounter and lavishing in his enduring love in such a way other's lives are saturated with this wonderful, grace-filled love? that's my hope.

getting what you asked for...

2006-03-02T22:20:00.000-08:00

yesterday was Ash Wednesday. which came as a bit of a surprise to me as i thought it was the 8th. i wondered why harry (my pastor) was so stressed out last week about Lent when we were setting up a lunch date. details, details.

so anyway... it came a little faster than i was prepared for... but it was probably better that way. it gave me less time to try to "control" how i was going to respond to what this Lenten season offers ~ the freedom that comes from the gift of repentance ~ and respond to the leading of Ruach (the Spirit) in my decision. had i been more aware or had more time to "think about it" i probably would have made my decision based on what i felt "safe" with... or atleast i would have tried to talk my self into something "reasonable", like giving up coffee. but YHWH is rarely reasonable... at least in my life!

last night i felt invited to take the risk to jump... jump into the wide, tender, loving arms of my Savior... to discover him as my true comfort... my greatest love... my fulfillment. so i gave up seeking comfort in ANYTHING other than Christ for Lent (food, stuff, others)... and in theory is sounded good. shoot, it even sounded pretty spiritual. but what came a few short hours later i would have never expected. but that's the way that They move in my life -- Parent, Savior, Spirit... they always catch me by surprise... when i least feel "ready". it's probably the best way to have Their way with me.

so there in the quiet of my bathroom, after a long, hard & vulnerable conversation with a friend, i curled up to weep... one of those deep, quiet kinds of weeping... not a lot of noise, just a the ache of a quiet sobbing that causes you to groan in a Romans-8-sorta-way. and this time, maybe for the first time, i whispered with the strength of Aslan's roar, "Christ come... draw near to me, " and there in that little prayer began to experience the balm of Gilead come and lend healing and hope to me in a region of my soul that i think has been untouched for a very long time. maybe it was a first.

i'm not terribly surprised that this is what was asked for this Lent. i've sensed the nudgings of Ruach around my choices as of late... like i was hearing this distant question being asked. and it felt like it was being driven home when Tony Campolo kept coming back to this idea of SURRENDER over and over again at Jubilee. but like dr. sue's insights to me over the last 12 years, i dig my heels in deep and like to convince the world (and myself!) that i've got it all under control... that it's all okay... no worry, shelby's got it together. what a lie i've let myself be fooled with. the reality is i don't whenever i choose to live with more of a handle on the reigns of my life than belongs to me.

so i'm grateful. i was grateful last night when i felt the presence of the LORD moving my groaning into trust and intimacy... i came out of that cry like no other. i got a foretaste of what i asked for. so i ask it again and will each day... "come and invade me... possess me... be MORE THAN ENOUGH for me, O Triune God! meet me face-to-face Jesus, my dear sweet Savior. i am YOUR love... YOUR delight. draw near to me..."

i hope the same for you, friends...

what am i doing?!?

2005-05-20T16:52:00.000-07:00

so, i'm not one of those techie-geeks, like so many of my friends, but a growing curiosity about this blogging business has captivate my thoughts for a bit. so i thought i'd give it a whirl... you know, live large and see what there is to discover through all of this "sharing of ideas". so this is where i'll start. overandout for now.